Mud Slinging

Blue Rock Station,
1190 Virginia Ridge Rd.
Philo Ohio 43771 USA
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There is a mold, somewhere on this planet, into which human beings are inserted… and out come city officials.

City officials, as anyone who is not one can attest, are not human. They are something else entirely, something incomprehensible. Some of them look almost human, but don’t be fooled. They live in a world all their own, they speak their own language, they think in ways beyond the grasp of mere mortals. Some even believe that they are still human, but this is simply self-delusion… we can see that plainly they are not.

I offer, by way of example of this deviant behavior, the recent garbage collection schedule created by city hall in the little French town in which I live. I am sure countless committees have worked tirelessly on this program (no doubt racking up substantial overtime benefits) – and they will likely win an award for it when all the little bureaucratic aliens gather at their annual self-congratulation party (at tax payer’s expense, I might add). But in short, here it is.

Oh, before I go into the details, let me explain the way garbage collection has always been handled in the past. Every night you put out a small bag of garbage, and each morning it was collected. If the garbage man did not feel like taking it, then he didn’t. In that case, you moved the neglected bag a few meters to in front of your neighbor’s house and complained bitterly about how messy and unsightly they keep their place. In short, everyone was happy.

Now, onto the new plan (I paraphrase in the interest of comprehension):

“Garbage collection will continue as before, with pickup each night, with the following exceptions:”

Sunday:

No garbage will be collected on Sunday (not a big change, as they never did before, even though they said that they did and were likely paid overtime for working on the Sabbath, but everyone knew they didn’t actually come by, so we ignored this part of the schedule). Okay, so far no problem.

Monday:

On Monday we will pick up big things, unless we decide they are too big or too heavy or we are feeling a bit hung-over from the weekend.

Tuesday:

We will reluctantly take your trash on Tuesday, unless we decide that there is anything in the bag that could be recycled. If you are trying to get away with pitching something that could be ground up and made into asphalt for road resurfacing or tomorrows newspaper, then you are an anti-environmental cretin who does not disserve (nor will you receive) the loving attention of the city fathers. As to what we consider “recyclable”, that is for us to know and for you to find out.

Wednesday:

If you live on the West Area of the city (a boundary determined by committee, constantly changing and having no relationship, by the way, with any particular compass direction) then you will have your recycled material picked up on this day. But only if the assorted refuse is placed in the appropriate “Blue Bags” furnished by the city – which by the way, are actually yellow in color (figure that one out – since the city refers to this recycled material as “Green Waste”).

Just what constitutes recyclable material is anyone’s guess – since it will likely change from week to week. Basically, if we don’t pick up your garbage on Tuesday, some of it is recyclable. If we leave your recyclable bag on the curb on Wednesday (if you reside in the West Area) then you put stuff in there that shouldn’t have been there.

Thursday:

Now comes the time for the folks in the East Area to play garbage roulette. (There is a “Central Area” as well, that is on a different schedule, but apparently this is top secret, as they allude to it but are not in a position to share any of the details.) The same rules that apply to the West Area obviously apply here as well, except, of course, in reverse.

They don’t say anything about coming back to the West Area today for regular garbage, so I suspect they will not. It takes a long time to sort through those Yellow colored Blue bags of Green garbage looking for Gray (what they call the non-recyclable stuff) trash. We probably won’t see these guys again until next Tuesday, when they decide not to pick up my garbage because I threw away a plastic spoon or something.

but there's a hitch...

And with this in mind and the new schedule firmly in hand and a public awareness program well underway – we regret to announce that we need to change it. Okay, this really is the schedule (so learn to live with it), except that next week there is a holiday. So, those who would have regular “Blue Bag” collection on Tuesday, will wait until Wednesday… and those in the East Area who are regularly scheduled for Wednesday, must call city hall to arrange an emergency recyclable pickup (I am not kidding) or wait until the following week (or, throw the stuff in front of your neighbor’s house and show them for the slobs that we know they truly are).

The normal schedule will then resume for one week, but then (again) there is a holiday. So we will let you know what we will do… because it is now 3 p.m. and time to close our offices for the day. And thank you for your assistance in the smooth and efficient management of our city.

The funny thing is, I know how all my neighbors will respond to this new program. They will put their garbage out on the side of the road each night, as they always have, and if it is still there in the morning, they will move it to in front of their neighbor’s house. Eventually it will be collected or scattered by animals – the city will announce that the program has exceeded all expectations, someone will be hired to write a case-study paper on the whole affair… and awards will be received.

Awards, by the way, that can only be picked up on Tuesday by those living on the North Area during weeks without a holiday.

written by Jay Warmke - April, 2002

Mud isn’t all they are slinging down at City Hall