5 April 2004

Sports of Britain

Despite what people may think, Great Britain has four main sports…rugby, football, cricket, and snooker.  The first two are violent and can cause great hysteria.  The second two will put you to sleep.

Of course you all have probably heard of these pastimes, but I bet you don’t know the rules for any of the games.  That’s ok, not many folks over here seem to know the rules either.

Rugby is a crazy helter skelter version of US football  (without the body armor).  The players all seem to pile on.  They keep passing the ball, even when a player is tackled, and they have these obscene huddles in the field that they call “scrums”.  In the “scrum” they all bend over, put their arm around the guy next to them and then sort of waltz around the field like a round bent over mass of dumb looking jocks.  If a man acted like that in real life in some places in downtown Zanesville you’d read about him in the newspaper the next morning.

Football here isn’t football at all.  It’s soccer.  The rest of the world, outside of the US, plays soccer because it is an exciting, fun game that any age can enjoy.  Kids in the US play it too, but once they start playing they just keep going, so the television guys can’t fit in commercials… the kiss of death in the United States. 

Football here is exciting, especially when a guy pretends to be injured and throws himself to the ground.  Pretty soon a team doctor shows up with the “magical water” and washes off the injured guys face with a towel.  He is usually rolling around like my brother used to when he pretended to be Roy Rogers and had been shot by the villain.  The magic water helps the guy to come to his senses, and before you know it he is up and back in the game.

Cricket, on the other hand is totally unexplainable.  It involves a ball, and a bat, that looks like the paddle they kept in the school office when I was a kid.  One Brit explained to me that there is no way you can understand the incredible excitement of cricket, or even understand the game unless you play.  The fact that most games take 3 or 4 days to play, involve a lunch break, and afternoon tea would put us Americans off.  We want intensity, blood and guts in our sports…and halftimes with million dollar a minute commercials.

I’ve saved the best for last…snooker.  Snooker is actually a version of pool, only quite a bit more complicated.  There are lots of red balls (22 I’m think), plus one yellow, green, blue, pink and black one.  They keep knocking in the same balls, and a guy in a tuxedo with white gloves keeps taking it out and putting it back onto the table.  Snooker has a “big tournament” on the “telley” about once a quarter.  Jay is hooked to the TV set every afternoon and evening until the champion is decided.  Snooker is another name for nap, as far as I am concerned.  About five minutes into those two pool hall guys trading shots at the balls, and I realize the game is over because I slept through it.  It’s like watching golf on TV.

In early December England’s rugby team won the world cup in Australia.  This might not have been big news in your neck of the woods, but on this island, where the Brits rarely win in sports, this was everything.  And, Johnny Wilkerson, the guy who scored all of the points for England became the new pinup for those who follow rugby.  When the team returned to London after their win, thousands of people were at the airport to welcome them home.  According to the BBC, “This is a win for our country…the real world championship.  Not like in America where they play baseball with other North American teams and call it the ‘World Series’.  This is the real thing.”

The week after their homecoming there was a parade in London where almost one million people lined the streets on the coldest day imaginable just to watch two open topped double decker buses haul the team through Trafalger Square on their way to meet the queen for tea.   They may not win often, but when they do, they sure know how to throw a party over here.

As you can probably tell, I’m not much on sports, but I was really moved by the great pride people seemed to feel at winning the championship.   The people of this country are gracious when they loose, often giving credit to the other team, and rarely making excuses (of course they fight like heathens during the game…I’m sure head butting originated here, long before it became a dance craze).

 Even in victory they seem to admire their opponents and take sincere delight in their “good fortune of the day.”  It’s a refreshing change.  I think we Americans could take a lesson or two on sportsmanship from these rough and tumble guys from across the pond.